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(detonate)-detonate

送货员,他的,你的(detonate)-detonate

发布时间：2016-12-08加入收藏来源：互联网点击：

So now he has this other job. No brightness or creativity involved-but no cooperation either. Just a single principle: The Deliverator stands tall, your pie in thirty minutes or you can have it free, shoot the driver, take his car, file a class-action suit. The Deliverator has been working this job for six months, a rich and lengthy tenure by his standards, and has never delivered a pizza in more than twenty-one minutes.

所以现在他有了另外一份工作。没有亮度或创造力，但也没有合作。只有一个原则：Deliverator 屹立不倒，三十分钟之内你的馅饼送到，或者你可以免费，射杀司机，占有他的车，提起集体诉讼。送货员已经从事这项工作六个月了，按照他的标准，他的任期是丰富而漫长的，而且送披萨的时间从未超过 21 分钟。

Oh, they used to argue over times, many corporate driver-years lost to it: homeowners, red-faced and sweaty with their own lies, stinking of Old Spice and job-related stress, standing in their glowing yellow doorways brandishing their Seikos and waving at the clock over the kitchen sink, I swear, can't you guys tell time?

哦，他们过去常常争论不休，许多公司司机都输了：房主，因为他们自己的谎言满脸通红，满头大汗，散发着旧香料和与工作相关的压力，站在他们发光的黄色门口，挥舞着精工和对着厨房水槽的时钟挥手，我发誓，你们不会说时间吗？

Didn't happen anymore. Pizza delivery is a major industry. A managed industry. People went to CosaNostra Pizza University four years just to learn it. Came in its doors unable to write an English sentence, from Abkhazia, Rwanda, Guanajuato, South Jersey, and came out knowing more about pizza than a Bedouin knows about sand. And they had studied this problem. Graphed the frequency of doorway delivery-time disputes. Wired the early Deliverators to record, then analyze the debating tactics, the voice-stress histograms, the distinctive grammatical structures employed by white middle-class Type A Burbclave occupants who against all logic had decided that this was the place to take their personal Custerian stand against all that was stale and deadening in their lives: they were going to lie, or delude themselves, about the time of their phone call and get themselves a free pizza; no, they deserved a free pizza along with their life, liberty, and pursuit of whatever, it was fucking inalienable. Sent psychologists out to these people's houses, gave them a free TV set to submit to an anonymous interview, hooked them to polygraphs, studied their brain waves as they showed them choppy, inexplicable movies of porn queens and late-night car crashes and Sammy Davis, Jr., put them in sweet-smelling, mauve-walled rooms and asked them questions about Ethics so perplexing that even a Jesuit couldn't respond without committing a venial sin.

没有再发生。披萨外卖是一个主要行业。一个受管理的行业。来自阿布哈兹、卢旺达、瓜纳华托、南杰尔，无法写出英文句子，人们去 CosaNostra Pizza 大学学习四年，对披萨的了解更甚于Bedouin对沙子的了解。他们已经研究过这个问题。绘制门口交货时间纠纷的频率。连线早期的交付者来记录，然后分析辩论策略、语音压力直方图、白人中产阶级 A 型 Burbclave 居住者所采用的独特语法结构，他们违反所有逻辑决定这是他们个人 Custerian 的地方反对他们生活中所有陈旧乏味的事物：他们会在打电话的时候撒谎或自欺欺人，然后给自己免费吃披萨；不，他们应该得到一份免费的披萨以及他们的生命、自由和对任何事物的追求，这是他妈的不可分割的。派心理学家到这些人的家里，给他们一台免费电视让他们接受匿名采访，让他们使用测谎仪，研究他们的脑电波，因为他们向他们展示了色情女王、深夜车祸和萨米戴维斯的断断续续、莫名其妙的电影, 把他们放在气味芬芳的紫红色墙壁的房间里，问他们关于道德的问题，如此令人困惑，以至于即使是耶稣会士也无法不犯下小罪。

The analysts at CosaNostra Pizza University concluded that it was just human nature and you couldn't fix it, and so they went for a quick cheap technical fix: smart boxes. The pizza box is a plastic carapace now, corrugated for stiffness, a little LED readout glowing on the side, telling the Deliverator how many trade imbalance-producing minutes have ticked away since the fateful phone call. There are chips and stuff in there. The pizzas rest, a short stack of them, in slots behind the Deliverator's head. Each pizza glides into a slot like a circuit board into a computer, clicks into place as the smart box interfaces with the onboard system of the Deliverator's car. The address of the caller has already been inferred from his phone number and poured into the smart box's built-in RAM. From there it is communicated to the car, which computes and projects the optimal route on a heads-up display, a glowing colored map traced out against the windshield so that the Deliverator does not even have to glance down.

CosaNostra 比萨大学的分析师得出结论，这只是人，你无法修复它，因此他们寻求快速廉价的技术修复：智能盒子。披萨盒现在是一个塑料外壳，波纹状以增加硬度，侧面有一个发光的小 LED 读数，告诉快递员自从那通致命的电话以来已经过去了多少造成贸易失衡的分钟。里面有薯条什么的。比萨饼，一小叠，放在送货员脑袋后面的槽里。每个比萨都像电路板一样滑入计算机的插槽中，当智能盒子与送货员汽车的车载系统连接时，会咔嗒一声固定到位。来电者的地址已经从他的电话号码中推断出来，并倒入智能盒子的内置RAM中。从那里它被传送到汽车，汽车计算并在平视显示器上投影最佳路线，在挡风玻璃上描绘出一张发光的彩色地图，这样交付者甚至不必低头看一眼。

If the thirty-minute deadline expires, news of the disaster is flashed to CosaNostra Pizza Headquarters and relayed from there to Uncle Enzo himself_the Sicilian Colonel Sanders, the Andy Griffith of Bensonhurst, the straight razor-swinging figment of many a Deliverator's nightmares, the Capo and prime figurehead of CosaNostra Pizza, Incorporated-who will be on the phone to the customer within five minutes, apologizing profusely. The next day, Uncle Enzo will land on the customer's yard in a jet helicopter and apologize some more and give him a free trip to Italy— all he has to do is sign a bunch of releases that make him a public figure and spokesperson for CosaNostra Pizza and basically end his private life as he knows it. He will come away from the whole thing feeling that, somehow, he owes the Mafia a favor.

如果 30 分钟的最后期限到期，灾难的消息会被闪现到 CosaNostra Pizza 总部，并从那里转达给 Enzo 叔叔本人——西西里上校 Sanders，Bensonhurst 的 Andy Griffith，许多快递员的噩梦中挥舞着剃刀的直接虚构，Capo以及 CosaNostra Pizza, Incorporated 的主要傀儡——他将在五分钟内给客户打电话，并深表歉意。第二天，恩佐叔叔将乘坐喷气式直升机降落在客户的院子里，再道歉一些，并让他免费去意大利旅行——他所要做的就是签署一堆让他成为 CosaNostra 的公众人物和发言人的新闻稿比萨，并基本上结束了他所知道的私人生活。他会从整个事情中走出来，觉得不知何故，他欠黑手党一个人情。

The Deliverator does not know for sure what happens to the driver in such cases, but he has heard some rumors. Most pizza deliveries happen in the evening hours, which Uncle Enzo considers to be his private time. And how would you feel if you had to interrupt dinner with your family in order to call some obstreperous dork in a Burbclave and grovel for a late fucking pizza? Uncle Enzo has not put in fifty years serving his family and his country so that, at the age when most are playing golf and bobbling their granddaughters, he can get out of the bathtub dripping wet and lie down and kiss the feet of some sixteen-year-old skate punk whose pepperoni was thirty-one minutes in coming. Oh, God. It makes the Deliverator breathe a little shallower just to think of the idea.

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